Sunday Morning Crossroads
It's Sunday Morning and I should be in church, but I find myself at home yet again. Yes, there are a thousand excuses I could use. I have a broken finger and toe which hurt like the dickens. It's hot as blazes here. I'm really tired. My schedule's way off. I overslept. My family didn't get ready in time. And the list goes on. I did get up and get dressed for church, just didn't make it out the door. No, that's not true; we managed to make it to McDonald's and back. I actually had a core leadership meeting after church today that I've missed. So I really have to question my motivation.
Is it a lack of spiritual thirst? I don't think so. My personal relationship with Christ has been growing steadily, not diminishing. And yes, I do feel the longing to be with and connect with other believers. So, I'm not sure what this new found Sunday Morning apathy is about. I can quote scripture and verse about the body of Christ and how important it is to gather together to worshipand support one another. Yet even when I do manage to attend church lately, I feel a deep void. There's something missing and I'm not sure what it is.
Now before you judge me, know that I've been on my face before the LORD over this issue. I've sucked up more carpet fibers than I care to. And I've poured my heart out. Yet, He's been silent on the issue. Do I continue to wait? Push myself to go and "play" church--going through the motions? Somehow the latter just doesn't seem to ring true at a church called "Real Life," but then maybe that's exactly what a should do. Can you say, "confused?"
And I suppose I should have someone to turn to for guidance on this, but honestly I don't. My accountablilty partner lives in Canada and can't really discern the problem either, although she has kicked my rear a few times when I've needed it! My best friend has had major challenges recently. My husband has his own "issues" this summer and our lack of attendance doesn't seem to be problematic for him. And with others, I'm the one who always gives guidance, the strong one, not the one "needing" help. And perhaps that's part of the problem.
So, here I sit at the computer trying to decide whether to hit the post button or keep this all to myself, after all I'm an extremely private person. But, I also know the LORD has urged me to start and keep this blog. And if nothing else I'm going to be obedient to that call even if it is "risky" as I put myself out there, warts and all for you to see.
Thus, I stand at a crossroads of sorts, not moving forward but paralyzed in the path. I pray that the LORD will guide my steps. Until then I'm going to be still, listen instead of talk and just spend time with my Savior.
Patiently waiting and apprehensive to hit "publish post,"
~Cheryl
10 comments:
I'm really glad you hit publish post. I think all believers go through those times where we "should" but "don't" and then get caught up in the "why"... I don't know you, so I can't presume to even guess "why"...but I do know that someone that shows as much transparency as you did in this post, is needed wherever God has you at the moment. Believers need to be encouraged to finish their races, and to finish well. Non-Believers need to know about the race and how to start. You have an amazing task set before you - how do you put these feelings of "non-feelings" aside and push forward. Get back in there, Girl. You are a gift to your church.
I can really relate to what you say about going to church. I met my husband at church and just assumed it would be part of our life. Which is has been more than not. But right now it is not. A big obstacle in the road a few years ago and I got tired of being the initiator. Until it means enough to him to go, we won't go. Could you also be looking for your husband to take on more of the leadership in your spiritual life?
LD from Cof
I think you did go to church today--sounds like you and Jesus had a little chat. I had a spiritual dryness for a long period about a year ago, and found God was leading me to a new place after 17 years at the same church. Not that is what He is saying to you,just that sometimes He takes us out of our comfort spots to see with clear eyes. I love your honesty and your heart--sounds like you're on your way back.
I also saw you were doing research on women's online communications and I am fascinated with this myself, feeling a little like Paul, well, maybe it's a stretch, but in His letters, not sure who he was writing to, but having a definite target in mind. I love writing and I especially love the comments knowing I might have reached someone today. So, you blessed me with your post and your comment. Thanks, A.
you finally got your blog rollin! Praise Him! So were you in Atlanta? Girl I have so been feeling the same way at church like I don't want the whole fake it until you make it. I want to serve and it seems like people are so dead set on curricullims and programs and numbers that we aren't letting the Holy Spirit move, guide, and change. I have been praying that if I am called to go somewhere else that the Lord will put it on my mans heart to. Anyway, I am in a hold pattern like you!!!
I personally love church and feel "fed" after I go, but there was a time............
I also believe that you physically don't have to be in a church building to worship. That said, I do believe in gathering with other believers. I hope you find a way back to the church.
Hugs!
Kat
I also wanted to give you these verses that I know that you already know...
John 21:20-22
20Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?") 21When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"
22Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."
Sister you keep running hard after Him even if no one else does. Keep walking by faith and not by sight! You are so precious to Him!
I started to comment earlier this morning and didn't, because, "who am I to give advice?" However, since I've come in from work...I'm back here again...so here goes.
First of all, I believe we should worship with others, as we draw from the fellowship with one another as well as the teaching. But, I know there have been times when I just could NOT go. I just could not make myself get dressed. Now, I also believe that God will use many ways to get your attention...and maybe that is what He is doing in your life. At least it has you questioning and seeking answers. I think that if God puts that questioning spirit in us...He will provide the answers. This I know for sure...God allows us to go through things to teach us, and He uses different ways for different people. I believe that God can meet us anywhere, anytime and it does not always have to be in a church building. My advice is to ask God to show you what it is He has for you to learn, and to make it clear to you. I will say a prayer for you to find your answers and to find peace. God wants you happy and peaceful and serving Him.
Blessings,
Tonja
I stumbled on your blog quite by accident.....
I am a single 50 year old struggling with the same issue.
I tell myself that the church is so focused on the family, I as a single woman, I really don't fit.
Know what? Some of that is truth.
Often I wonder if the Lord might not want to use me to bring some change...guess I'd have to go for that to happen!
Knowing what is right, is not the same as doing what is right.
That is the theme song of my life.
Lord, give me the courage to learn the next verse!
I appreciate you visiting my blog and the comment you left last night. I came to yours and found a powerful post...Like a couple of people who have posted comments, I don't really struggle with church attendance because being there is something I LOVE...but that has come with time and building those relationships. I am blessed to be a part of a wonderful church now, but I have had my time of struggling too. It's not a fun place to be. God will honor your searching and questioning and I will pray that you find those answers soon. You should be involved...like someone else said, they need you just as much as you need them!
I, too, appreciate what you have shared here. After being very active in church in my teens and early to mid-twenties, I began to have a very different experience with church ... While my faith was as strong, important, and central to me as ever, I began to struggle with going to church. When I did make it, I left feeling empty -- worse than before I went. I still read my Bible, listened to Christian music, prayed, and shared with other believers. However, between that emptiness I experienced and declining health keeping me in bed more than ever, I found myself not going to church. It still amazes me that this rarely going to church lasted for nearly a decade!
In retrospect, I believe God was showing me something that was missing ... This is a long, personal explanation, but in short, I can say that I needed to arrive at a deeper faith. These days, my experience at church tends to be the most meaningful and peaceful part of my week. But this comes after a very long "dry spell." And after lots of angst and prayer.
I suspect that it will not take you a decade to learn what you need to move on. In the meantime, I want to assure you that I can see your heart wanting to follow God. I believe your faith itself is strong. And I believe you are on the threshold of real growth.
If I can support you in any way, please let me know.
And thanks for the link (on COF) to your blog. I've been impressed by you for a long time, and I'm looking forward to reading more.
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